Last night, I had the opportunity of hanging out with some of my closest friend’s. We spent the whole evening into the early morning celebrating one of my dear friend’s birthday as well as catching up. It was our first time all being together in 8 months, so of course we were super amped. I couldn’t help but be mindful of the fact that as the night went on I just was becoming physically and emotionally drained at an expedited rate. I found myself becoming almost annoyed at some instances at things I would normally not even notice. And at one point, I wasn’t even enjoying the pleasure of my friends and the great energy they were radiating. Until, my friend took a moment to be completely honest, transparent, and open with us about her current life and feelings. As she spoke, tears began to draw up in my eyes and continuously fall down my face.
Me, being the dramatic person that I am, I quickly found an appropriate song on YouTube to match the mood, which led to me actually crying.
This week, Saturday to Saturday, was filled with extreme highs and lows for your average day to day ventures. I, of course, was sure that I could keep good balance of it all, taking the good right along with the bad. As I proclaimed to my life coach this morning, “I’ve been writing (blogging), eating right, working out, homework’s done, praying…,” and so forth I couldn’t understand how after handling my normal responsibilities and meditation while I still didn’t feel the stability internally that I desired. To be quiet honest this was my first week in about a month’s time attempting to really practice “balance”. I do best when I follow a regimen and for the whole month of May I was really just “surfing the waves” as they came my way. I declared myself as taking a breaking from the last rigorous 9 months of school and all other responsibilities in accordance with that. May brought about celebration after celebration. Every weekend in May I was surrounded by either friends, family, or both. I was celebrating my birthday, friend’s accomplishments, my accomplishments, or whatever. June brought more of a decline as testified by the past week. The highs were often and took me to a place where I could truly forget the “issues” I felt I was bearing, while the lows were heavy stimulating nostalgic thoughts sinking me like a ship.
I omitted to share earlier that I was able to attend a group therapy in my clinical rotations this week. The name of the class was MINDFUL. The leader of the class proceeded to share that the goal was to not be stuck in the idea of the future or the troubles of the past but to acknowledge the present by actually mindfully living in it. This resonated with me instantly, because anyone that truly knows me, knows I always get lost in the sauce. Not only am I nostalgic, I’m a dreamer. Now, acknowledging that fact I can appreciate it at times because it contributes to my compassionate side, but on the flip side of that it also plays into my blinding naivety and innocence. In observation of the therapeutics of the group therapy I was really able to examine myself to evaluate its effectiveness. Leaving the class I tried to implement being mindful as I continued my week. What I realized last night in the midst of my friend being transparent is that I needed to find a way to intentionally analyze, acknowledge, and be transparent with self about how I was exactly feeling. Until I did that I would not be acting in a mindful manner at all.
As I stated in my previous post, I am very sensitive and emotional. Earlier in the week I felt an attack on my character from someone who I felt like didn’t have the right at all to insult me in that manner. I thought that I was dealing with the situation appropriately and taking the high road. In actuality, I was letting the situation taunt me subconsciously. I whined to my life coach, “I always feel like I’m being punished over and over again for mistakes I’ve already owned.” Which he replied, “mis-takes bear consequences.” I was still unsatisfied with his response because I believe I’ve already felt the wrath of the consequences and felt I surely shouldn’t have to continue to recognize this one mistake that a person was using as their foundation of who I am, in their opinion. Last night’s cry was hurtful but refreshing. It brought about a catalyst for balance. It brought me here releasing my inner thoughts via blogging.
I welcome forgiveness for myself as well as my offender. I just want to get back to a place of feeling liberated simply by being me. I accept my errors of the past, the pain they may have caused myself and others, and the growth they’ve stimulated. Beyoncé urges, “baptize your fears, dry your tears.” I perceive this to mean wash away the things you fear and dry the tears that may come while you’re facing the challenges. Be vulnerable even after heartbreak. Don’t let your hurt from any situation change who you’ve been designed to be. Allow the pain to motivate change and build endurance. Most of all, share your pain with others allowing your transparency to inspire. Be mindful. Be transparent.