Exhale | Love

Whitney told us, “Everyone falls in love sometime, sometime it’s right, sometime it’s wrong.”anglea-maddThat being said, I’ve spent the majority of my college life in love with a guy I met shortly after beginning at my university. In short, I’m still in college. Generally, most kids start college between the age of 17-19 and finish up around 22-24. So, it’s safe to assume I’ve gone through a lot of changes since entering college as a freshman and still evolving. A lot of times we feel we will outgrow people or we’re just going through a phase. Actually a lot of people tend to think I’m always going through phases from their lack of understanding of who I am. Despite all of those factors, this guy remained a constant in my life for almost the past five years. He appeared to be everything I ever wanted and never knew until it was right there in my face. Only circumstances wouldn’t allow for us to be together. Now, after almost five years I more than realize I deserve more than waiting for time to permit the fantasy I’ve always wanted with this particular person. In fact, I would be lying if I told you that I put my “love life” or my life in general on hold trying to wait things out. That is so not me, but I did often go back to him.

 

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Early stages of college

My freedom in this situation comes from realizing the type of person I am, the type of person he is, and where that ultimately leaves us. Despite all that I wanted, demanded and required of him, he didn’t submit to the wishes I made known. Although my affection and love still lingered, I realized my life promised so much more. I wanted to feel LIBERATED in the fact that I knew who I was and I was on the road to who I wanted to become. The dilemma of loving this man that felt a similar way could not be the conclusion of my story.

The only problem with this solution was we were letting each other interrupt our adventure to success at every turn, whenever the opportunity presented itself when we should have been letting go. We couldn’t stop holding on to each other. We’d built this monumental love between each other that neither one of us wanted to acknowledge. He was the type of guy that wanted to accomplish the “developmental task” expected to be completed as a right of passage while I was more liberal and spontaneous in my approach. Now don’t get me wrong, I have goals and I am very adamant about accomplishing them, but I do see room for love, all while attaining those goals.

If you know anything about me, it’s that I love to have fun. I mean I get carried away at the thought of having fun, reminiscing over a good time, or even fantasizing about partaking in an extravaganza. He was all of those things and more. I knew he was fun, but he was also business. That wasn’t a problem for me but I liked to prioritize business in the same way that I did fun. He was opposite in the fact that, that he felt like you should spend more time investing in your future and “ kick it” when time allowed.

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Mardi gras shenanigans with the first test of the semester two days after

 

In April I came to a turning point in my life. I wanted to revamp who I had become and reincorporate some of the things I used to be. These changes included me disengaging with this constant love cycle. I decided I wasn’t going to be subjected to his opinion and what he thought was proper. I was taking things into my own hands. So, I called myself removing myself from the situation and proceeding with life as previously scheduled. The only problem was, he was now a part of my life. At first, I was able to ignore my innate nature of care for this person, I wanted to alienate, but that didn’t last long. At this point he was a part of me. It was clear it was going to be very hard to move forward without considering this person.

Realizing who I am, understanding how compassionate I am, you know this wasn’t an easily attainable goal. I’m very compassionate. Once I care for you, you’re in my heart indefinitely. You can do me wrong and I will forgive you. I think most people know this about me. I don’t feel like it’s my obligation to hold things against anyone, or decide whether or not a person is given a second chance. I leave that to Jesus.

I say all that to say, I encourage you in any situation you may be dealing with to go forward with it. Stop making excuses and make the most out of it. That’s the only way you’ll truly know what it could have been, and appreciate it for everything it really was… Don’t discount your love for someone only to later regret it. Don’t hold back your true feelings because you’re scared of the pain love can bring because you may miss out on the blessing it delivers. Don’t shy away from what you believe is true.

You don’t have to define love by the hurt and heart breaks of your past. Love has so much more to offer than the associated heartbreaks that we’ve receive from someone previously that didn’t know how to appropriate their love. Don’t let the pain of others stop you from expressing your true self and love. Don’t let societal norms and the ideal passage of developmental task keep you from someone you truly love, because there may not be another chance to capture and hold that person’s heart, again.

You may not be where you would like to be in life, you may not be who you thought you would be, but there’s someone who appreciates you for exactly who you are. If you think that’s not worth acknowledging then you don’t deserve them. IMG_0911  Love from God is a privilege but always available as long as you confess. Humans for some odd reason aren’t as forgiving nor accepting. If you have someone willing to invest in you, allow them the opportunity. They may realize all of your flaws and still recognize all of your ambition at the same time.

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June 2016

I’ve taken a bit of time to myself to regain balance in my life. In that time period I just realized how much of a nonconformist I am. I realized I don’t have to subject myself to any type of treatment I don’t actually believe in. I realized what was truly important to me and the things I could more than live without. Take time to evaluate what you’re putting time into. Is it worth it? Make love what you’ve always imagined it to be. My friends say I want a fairy tale, but I believe what I desire is not unattainable. Being the best you, you can attain your heart’s desires and more. You define your destiny. Even though my “love story” didn’t come full circle in the way I would have like I still learned so much about myself.  My advice is that you consult your promise in the Lord and become the person you were always meant to be, don’t let past experiences break or make you. Break or make the mold of love in your life. Start by embracing and loving yourself. Be happy. Be compassionate. Spread the peace despite the negative influences.

 

 

1 Corinthians 13:13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

 

 

Romans 12:19

Romans 12:21

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4 thoughts on “Exhale | Love

  1. Amazing. Ayla, you share so honestly, Miss Storyteller. I learned something about you that I did not even know. Who is this mystery man? He is special. A secret fantasy. I love the romance of your writing.

    Like

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